Good morning, healing earth! Good morning, healing Shae!
Oh my ego got so hooked last night! I was watching it operate and even though it had me by the scruff of the neck for awhile, I was fascinated by watching it in action. How it will search frantically for any crevice, any toehold, to maintain its dominion. And it’s so convincing! Telling me terrible things about how my girlfriend doesn’t love me, doesn’t care about me (which at bottom is really my ego staking its claim that I am straight-up unlovable and unworthy).
I hereby banish shame! I hereby invoke Love!
Love, I offer myself to you. Love, I offer you to myself.
I came home all worn-out and picked a fight with her. My ego’s last stand. My ego/addict’s last stand. And my girlfriend was so conscious! So present and calm and loving. Beautifully modeling the way! So amazing. Such growth. Thanks for showing me! The other thing is that I got a chance to experience the other side of the coin. Thank you, Goddess! Great Mother! Thank you for your presence last night. Thanks for the gift of perception and perspective. In the past, all those fights with my girlfriend where I would be staying calm and staying present, and it seemed to trigger her even more, birthing brighter and louder explosions. Last night, I found out why. The ego got mad because it didn’t have any playmates! My girlfriend wouldn’t play the game. And my ego translated that as her not caring about me–or at least that’s what it told me. I saw that her response is how I gauge whether she cares about me. I was infuriated by her poise, and my mind convinced me that she was talking down to me, that she thought she was better than me, above the fray. I wanted her IN the fray!!! And the thoughts I was having around that (thank the Goddess I didn’t give any of it voice) sounded exactly like what my girlfriend would say in previous altercations. It was incredible! Like I was directly having her experience. Why?? So I could understand! To tilt me toward an expanding capacity for compassion! To know my own humanity. And hers. I love her. I love me. We are connected and in love and we are going to be together for a very long time. And she was so inspiring last night. Thanks for reminding me, baby.
At one point during this whole thing, I got mad and stormed off to the living room, taking my pillow. When she didn’t follow me and either respond with belligerence and rage or beg me to come back to bed, my heart seized up. And a further observation: I became enraged because I didn’t have control over the situation. This is how my ego tries to control and manipulate–like when she left the house to cool off and I left right afterwards because I wanted her to come home and find me gone–so she’d call me back to her, so I’d be holding the cards.
I am truly grateful for this Clarity! And I don’t feel anger or judgement toward myself–or guilt, or shame. Just awareness. These outmoded survival skills are not malicious, not a mark of my fucked-up-ness, just ineffective. I am letting go of what doesn’t serve me. I am loving me.